Biblioscopes: High Flying Futures for Born Losers 9/26-10/3

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.

This week’s featured book is Born Losers: A Short History of Failure in America by Scott A. Sandage.

Aries

Philip Gleason, “Identifying Identity: A Semantic History,” Journal of American History….

The you you used to talk about, when you were like that, is not the you you now talk about. People will be expecting you to be the you you used to be. That you used to talk about. Which may be different than the person that you talk about when you talk about yourself now. See?

Taurus

What exactly was this masculine”go ahead spirit” that “a first rate businessman” dare not lack?

Can a Taurus find his inner super-double proactive self-starter? That would be a powerful thing to find–because Taureans always finish what they start.

Gemini

Ibid., 6-March-29 April 1843, vol. 1 pp. 54-85. Credit reports (1847-1888)

It looks like there was never a golden age pre-credit reports. How sad. But for some extra credit this week, read up on some real history. It will help you wade more smartly through the muck you have gotten yourself into lately.

Cancer

“Loquacity,” warned an 1842 Ladies Repository article, “leads families to discuss their private business in the presence of strangers, which is improper.”

It’s not a good week for coming out of the closet. In any sense. You may feel that way on a day-to-day basis, but this week you are not being overly cautious.

Leo

Low assets and high ideas made Andrews “unsafe to trust;” he might have fared better being content with postal locks instead of being “always at Something new.”

I never thought I would say this, but stay in your rut, Leo. It’s good for you this week.

Virgo

By 1850, political economist Henry Carey discerned racial jealousy among failed entrepreneurs….

People are always jealous of winners; they think there’s only so much winning to go around. That may be true in the hundred-mile dash…if you were smart, you would find slower people to run against. Which totally disproves the idea that there is only so much winning to go around. Instead of looking at what other people are doing, look at what you are doing, and try to do it better.

Libra

Those with luck and pluck would grow up to transform American captialism during the Gilded Age.

Libra, your winning streak continues for some of you. The unlucky shall have to work at being plucky.

Scorpio

“For the loser now/ will be later to win,” he rasped in 1964, “For the times they are a-changin’.”

Luck is changing for you too, Scorpy.

Sagittarius.

Hence, everyone from writers and illustators to phrenologists and credit-rating agents tried to detect honesty and predict failure.

Anyone who says that he can detect honesty or predict fraud is a failure, so write to your favorite phrenology illustrator and ask how they got such a fun job, so you can think about getting something fun too. Nothing is sure these things, so you might as well have a good time. (Yes, someone out there does draw the bumps on peoples’ heads. That is a real job. I think they are technically called medical illustrators these days.)

Capricorn

If only a financial douser could point out who would succeed and who would fail, sort out those “mixed up loser and winners,” and tell “the wrong man” from the one who was always agoing to be rich.”

Unfortunately, the winners and losers will all be mixed up this week. You will not know which rising star to hitch your wagon to. Caution.

Aquarius

Not even self-destruction was sincere anymore.

In this hooped up media reality we live in, most things are done for a show. You know this. Do not allow yourself to be pulled in to someone else’s drama.

Pisces

Honest Abe meets Dun & Bradstreet.

…and brings their reputation up a few notches with a few gladhand photographs. Who can you help with your reputation for helping others this week, and are they worth it?

Hearing Voices?

“If you hear voices HVN can help we are committed to helping people who hear voices. Our reputation is growing as the limitations of a solely medical approach to voices become better known. Psychiatry refers to hearing voices as ‘auditory hallucinations’ but our research shows that there are many explanations for hearing voices. Many people begin to hear voices as a result of extreme stress or trauma.”  

 

Face On Mars Debunked

Too bad.

Jesus Camp

I saw this bizarre piece on the ABC news the other night about a new documentary that spotlights a Jesus Camp where kids seemingly get indoctrinated to be soldiers in Christ’s army–much like how the madrassa schools in Pakistan teach Jihad. YouTube clip is here.

JFK’s 911 “Conspiracy” Doodle

A strange Associated Press article about presidential scribblings makes a bizarre reference to a John F. Kennedy doodle in which he seemingly predicted a “9-11 conspiracy” 40 years before it happened. Read all about it right here.

The Future of Our Celebrity “News”

This stuff will surely happen–and will surely be worth the wait.
1. Elegant Lindsay Lohan. (I’m pulling for you LL; I know you will find your inner, um, Grace Kelly. You will.)
2. 50 year old Paris Hilton, all plastic-ed up and found working at a strip club for cocaine money.
3. “Girls Gone Wild” girls cringing at the sight of a Tales-From-The Crypt- wrinkly Snoop Dogg.
4. 80 year old Kate Moss, strutting her stuff down the runway with a cane, and stiil a rail. (I’m dead serious about this: the world is getting older, and so are the people with money. One of these days, they are going to want to forget about all the being young they can’t have, and look for ideals that look more like themselves.)

5. After 7 or 8 failed marriages, Jessica Simpson works the gospel circuit and finally becomes a nun.
6. Finally: in the near future, Tom and Kate will have a second child…and its father will obviously be a black man. A 24-hour media blitz I would love to see.

Biblioscope: Your Future is Flat Crazy from 9/19-9/25 2006

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.

This week’s featured book is “Flat Crazy:A Blanco County Mystery” by Ben Rehder, one of the funnies books I have ever read, situation-wise. Includes the set of a Chinese midget porn movie.

Aries

Cherie said, “Because they weren’t just hunting deer out there, I can tell you that much.”

Nope, they were hunting the chupacabra, and other endangered species–someone may be talking behind your back about your own foolish and careless behavior.

Taurus

The two pea brains would probably have a lot to talk about.

Hey–don’t look down on small, green brains that talk. Try not to look down on any cliques or friendship right now. It’s not nice, and if they rise against you, you may find yourself hip deep in pea soup, or some other mess.

Gemini

Marlin was impressed by how quickly Tatum’s team had responded to his radio call.

Ask for help, and someone will show. So, start askin’!

Cancer

“…You might have heard his name in the news. We found his body two days ago. He was murdered.”

Big news ends up being closer to home than you would expect…or want.

Leo

Every last shred of paper, every photograph, under every stick of furniture…

If you clean your house–really clean it, under the couch and everything. You will find stuff. Maybe great stuff, like quarters or twenties, or may be incriminating stuff, like…

Virgo

He yanked the starter cord and–in the instant right before the generator roared to life–there was a scream from the woods.

You will be interrupted at the start of some project or another. Don’t roll your eyes. It may be important, like a plane in the World Trade Center, a murder, or burning dinner or something.

Libra

Tatum pumped his fist in the air. The team’s determination had finally paid off.

You win or finish or succeed at…something. Woot for you!

Scorpio

“Yeah, that or the damn case of beer,” Red said. “You picked a real winner for us this time, Billy Don. You ever try to run a jackhammer after drinking all night?”

Unfortunately, I have never had that experience. If you can think ahead, you may avoid adventures like hungover jackhammering, poison-ivied thistle-picking, or poor restaurant choosing.

Sagittarius.

Fortunately, Susannah Branson hadn’t taken the chupacabra angle too seriously.

You know your chupacabras when you see them. You will skate by on thin ice this week–by accident.

Capricorn

“I guess we’ll film around it.”

“You guess?”

“No, I mean we will. We will film around it. I’ll even write it into the script.”

You will have to creatively rewrite history to keep your superiors happy this week. But you can do it! If you don’t feel that creative, enlist a sweet-talking friend to help out.

Aquarius

“God yes,” Marty replied. “All over the place. Why?”

God is all over the place for you this week, and even Marty knows. Give your thanks to the Deus ex Machina who saves your ass.

Pisces

Terry snapped the compartment shut, but it was too late.

The cop had backed away a step or two, and now he had his hand on his pistol. “Step out of the car, Mr. Hobbs. Right now.”

If you have a run-in with a cop–I mean, an authority figure–make no sudden moves–I mean, your body language is the first thing he’ll respond to–so don’t make a move to hide the booze–I mean, try not to act guilty. The bottle of booze could’ve been half empty before you even got in the car.

Your Religious News For The Day (Machete Involved)

Nun Tried to Kill Priest After Finding Him in Bed With Another Woman (From the London Daily Mail (U.K.)Last updated at 15:55pm on 13th September 2006

A jealous nun appeared in court charged with threats to kill and an arson attack on a priest’s house – after she caught him in bed with a married woman. Sister Silvia Gomes De Sousa, 39, saw red and set fire to Father Carmelo Mantarro’s house after she nabbed him ‘in flagrante.’ The furious nun – who was also Father Carmelo’s cleaner – was also armed with a machete and threatened to kill the priest before being restrained by passers by.

Police and fire officials were quickly on the scene and managed to put out the flames which had been started by sister De Sousa using matches and candles on curtains and furniture. The drama happened in the sleepy Italian village of Roccalumera near Messina on the island of Sicily and was the talk of the nation as it dominated TV and radio news programmes. The saucy goings on were made even more interesting by father Carmelo’s age – he is 70 years old – and is said to have been sleeping with both sister De Sousa and the other woman for several months.

At the court hearing Sister De Sousa also claimed to have had two abortions as a result of having unprotected sex with Father Carmelo and also showed several love letters from him. She told the hearing: “I just flipped when I came to the house and caught him in bed with another woman who is married. “We had been together four years and I had even had two abortions because of him.”

Judge Antonino Giacobello freed sister De Sousa – who is accused of threats to kill and arson – on bail and adjourned the case until next month

)

Bibliomancy: The Coming Year in Terror 9/11/06- 9/10/07

If anyone needs more wisdom regarding terrorism, it’s well, everyone. So, on Johnny’s instruction, I have asked the Koran for wisdom on this dreaded subject. I decided not to interpret the meanings here, because this is too big and emotional–and plus the readings I got are not opinions that I condone. Perhaps other interpretations will come to the reader. I will put a few suggestions in the comments section.
What is the West’s attitude toward terrorists/terrorism?

Do not exult in your risches; God does not love the exultant. But seek, by means of that which God has given you, to attain the abode of the hereafter.

What are the terrorist attitudes toward the West?

We gave him Isaac and Jacob and guided both as We had guided Noah before them. Amon his descendents were David and Solomon, Job and Joseph and Moses and Aaron (thus do we reward the righteous); Zacharias and John, Jesus and Elias (all were upright men) and Ishmael, Elisha, Jonah and Lot. All these We exalted above the nations as we exalted some of their fathers, their children and their brothers. We chose them and guided them to a straight path.

What is the true problem here?

There is no community but We shall destroy or severely punish before the Day of Resurrection. That is decreed in the Eternal Book.

What does the Creator have to say about this?

We caused clouds to draw their shadow over them and sent down for them manna and quails, saying, ‘Eat of the wholesome things We have given you.’ Indeed they did Us no wrong, but they wronged themselves.

What will the character of terrorism be this coming year?

God is the master of all scheming.

What can the average person do to stop terrorism?

At sunrise, the Cry took them. We razed their city to the ground and let loose a shower of clay stones upon them.

Biblioscopes: Advice for All Sun Signs 05 Sept through 12 Sept 2006

Biblioscopes:  Advice for All Sun Signs 05 Sept through 12 Sept 2006 has been HIJACKED this week by Guest Scoper, Cirese Summerrose.

You always knew she was scoping you out, didn’tcha?

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday, Suki asks the Universe to lead her hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.  But seeing as how today is Tuesday and all, I’m asking the Universe to just make me quit reading ahead.
This week’s featured book is “things to do now that you’re…40” by Rebecca Hall, and yes, they didn’t use CAPS IN THE TITLE.  I found it in my roommate’s bookladder.  This book is all about how to actually …”When I am old I shall wear purple”.  For crying out loud.  WEAR IT NOW.  With little tinkly bells and sequins and pesto sauce if you want…

Aries (March 21 – April 20)
”Figure out how to negotiate multiple-choice pre-recorded telephone messages to get a human being on the end of the line.”  This is deeeep, man.  It is one of those hidden messages from the Universe, probably pre-recorded.  1.  Spend more time AWAY from electronic devices such as your computer, Poindexter, and with other carbon-based life forms you value.  2.  You must finally finally master the art of Patience in your life in some way; involving the amazing task of waiting for a human being.  This most likely involves Makeup and the infamous words “TEN MORE MINUTES”.  You can do it, Grasshoppa.

Taurus (April 21- May 20)
”Nurture your imagination and never fail to appreciate it.”  When you read this, Taurus, look around you and let your eyes light upon the FIRST THING YOU SEE NON-COMPUTER RELATED.  Think of how it can be used in an entirely new way.  Can you wear it to work?  Better yet, can you give it to your older/younger/more vile sibling at the next holiday inappropriately gift-wrapped and CLAIM it’s something else?  STRETCH your mind and surprise not only yourself but others.  This is how you get out of ruts and make yourself brand new ones.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
”Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.”  First, go out and buy some new shoes.  That always makes you feel better.  Second, you are going to have to do someone else’s work this week and believe me, you are going to get to know them better than you ever wanted to.  Third, Odour-Eaters in their In-Box or Cat-Box make a lovely Welcome Back gift.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
”Mix your own cement and build a stone wall.”  First, you are going to have GUESTS!  Make sure you get out every single annoying CD you or your kids own and just leave them around and hide the others somewhere safe like in the toilet tank in waterproof containers.  Play them at odd hours like ALWAYS.  Second, you’ve never been too good at Boundaries; have you my water sign friend?  You are just gonna have to get tough this week and wear LEATHER as a reminder to yourself.  Oh for crying out loud, yes it WAS a cow once…

Leo (July 21-Aug. 20)
”Confront a bully and make the person feel small.”  This implies that there will be a conflict.  Prepare for War.  I suggest water balloons and if those are simply inappropriate, other good ways to make people feel small are large vocabularies, Texas Hair, high heels, shoe lifts, putting on airs or just going around the room in circles gently touching and counting the light switches while they ramble on about whatever it is.  Basically, what it comes down to here is PROBLEM OWNERSHIP.  Who actually has the problem?

Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)
”Find a sport you enjoy and get proficient at it.”  First, being a bully is NOT a sport so forget about annoying the Leo.  Second, I realize that most people do not consider Competitive Philately in the ranking of the sweat inducing ranking of Curling, say, but it can be gruelling work!  Throw yourself into something that gives you Joy—something that gives you choices at pleasure away from the secular world and most of all, leaves you something in the end to be proud of.

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)
”Re-evaluate your relationships”.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Just please whine into the pillow and the rest of us will bang on the wall if you make too much noise.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)
”Go back to nature”.  This is a great time to take a holiday somewhere natural, like nowhere left on earth.  This only leaves seeing the hypnotherapist which pretty much EQUALS the price of a holiday in Cyprus, so I say why not go there or better yet, just act natural.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20)
”Make a friend from each of the five continents.”  This is fantastic advice and I have one more to add:  Make a friend who is Incontinent.  You might be surprised at how much those who are bladderal thinkers have to offer us.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)
“Visit a prehistoric site and try to imagine what early man was thinking when he built it.”  Go back to your first home or go over your photo album.  Instead of recalling YOUR memories of the past try and think about things from the angles of everyone in those pictures.  It’s an amazing adventure and it’s a gift that will follow you through to your everyday life.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)
”Find the landscape that speaks to your soul, whether it be mountain or ocean, desert or forest.”  You soooooo need a break.  The idea of this word, “break”, is that if you DON’T GET IT, you are going to do it:  BREAK.  Right then, take off.  If you cannot physically get the hell away, lock yourself in the toilet, turn on the taps, scream for half an hour, then SERIOUSLY turn on some “realistic” sound effects from one of the above places and go within to get some answers for without.

Pisces (Feb.21-Mar. 20)
”Plan something unusual for your next birthday party.  Can you have it in a haunted castle or on a yacht?”  First, you need some attention right about now.  To hell with “birthday”.  Go to www.holidays.net .  You could have a “Compliment your Mirror” party this week!  What fun!  Second, you have lots of time to prepare for an official birthday party and if you want to have it on a haunted yacht, the Queen Mary is still beached in California.  Good luck with that.

*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate–the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, “What’s your sign?”

Note:  If you were at all annoyed or disappointed by this week’s Biblioscope, please send any complaints to a Gemini with Cancer Rising.  By my calculations, this ought to send you to someone with a nice pair of cement shoes…  ~Cirese