Weblioscope Week of 5th April 2007

Weblioscopes:  Advice for All Sun Signs 06 April through 13 April 2007 is a new twist on the old astro-tango by Guest Scoper, Cirese Summerrose.

Weblioscopes are the union of babliomancy, divination through opening websites to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes.  My job is to match them up, and make sure the Scorpio doesn’t wear a tartan tutu.
Weblioscopes differ from Biblioscopes in that each sign has its own webpage.  I ask the Universe to guide my astigmatic eyes to the correct phrase and offer insight to each pertinent and impertinent sign.*

Aries (March 21 – April 20)  http://www.stumbleupon.com/addphoto.php

“Discover new sites, Meet people with similar interests, Express yourself!”

Aries, it is time to take your agoraphobia out for a walk.  I don’t care if you have to put it on a leash, but out out out!  Go to the park and sail a little origami boat on the lake/fountain.  Bark at a few yippee dogs.  Buy chocolate, but get out and notice the snowdrops doing their own push-ups and realize that they are your own inspiration.

Taurus (April 21- May 20)  http://www.spapo.com/s292.html

“I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.  As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.”

It really does not matter who gets the job done, Taurus, just so long as it gets done.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)  http://www.himachalpradesh.us/gods/himachal_deities.php

“Saraswati :- As the goddess of learning, knowledge, and wisdom, Saraswati…means “the essence of the self”. Many believe that ones self-essence can be found through the use of knowledge and wisdom.”

It is time to stop and meditate on YOURSELF, Gemini.  Go within and ask your own Guides for help on your path, for only through yourself can you be anything much to others.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)  http://freespellsonline.com/tip.php?tipid=6

“The sickness is flowing out of me,
Into the water, down to the sea.”

Imagination is as powerful as what some of us call Reality.  Memorize this chant in times of trouble and stress and illness, especially when showering and visualize all your troubles going down the drain.  It’s going to be OKAY!

Leo (July 21-Aug. 20)  http://www.quotatio.com/f/franklin-benjamin-quotes.html

“All would live long, but none would be old. – Benjamin Franklin”

Anyone can be beautiful when they are young; it takes a truly lovely soul to be beautiful when they are old.  Let your soul shine through.

Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)  http://www.jewcy.com/feature/03-09/bestseller_blitzkreig

“Kabbalah: The ancient Jewish study of mysticism, a poetic and lyrical celebration of myth and mystery whose true meaning and insight is unknowable except by a few advanced scholars of the ancient texts—scholars who seek to understand nothing less than the question of our existence, the meaning of our lives, the nature of that light within us we call “soul.” Oh, and Madonna.”

Have you been pondering the Meaning of Life these days, Virgo?  Got indigestion after eating the words of too many brochures from too many faiths saying they are the ONLY WORD OF GOD?  Go back to Simplicity.  Faith is not complicated and the more Rules there are, the more Man has got his mighty money-grubbing fist there at the checkout.  It’s all pretty simple:  Love One Another—the basic tenet of ALL faiths.

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)  http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/65style

“Sergio Valente put it best when he said, ‘How you look tells the world how you feel.’”

Is it time to re-evaluate your wardrobe, Libra?  Are you only wearing clothes in there because they are EXPECTED of you because of your age/profession/your mother says so?  Who is in charge of you anyway?  Look, clothing is nothing more than costumes in the play of our lives.  You are the STAR in your own life and you deserve to dress the part.  Go out and find something that really says who you are or who you WISH you were.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)  http://www.librarian.net/technicality.html

“We’re Sorry!  Due to National Security concerns, we are unable to tell you if your Internet surfing habits, passwords and email content are being monitored by federal agents; please act appropriately.”

Feeling a bit paranoid Scorpio?  You have every reason to be.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20)  http://translate.parish.ath.cx/

“The words should be automatically translated into the language of your choice…”

Seek alternate ways to communicate ideas, Sagittarius, and I think you will be blown away by the results!

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)  http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0093779/

“Scaling the Cliffs of Insanity, Battling Rodents of Unusual Size, Facing torture in the Pit of Despair. – True love has never been a snap.”

…But it’s worth it, yeah?

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)  http://worldwideblessing.com/index.html

“May the light of peace go before you, and let you live with happiness and hilarity together, speak only what may benefit others and yourself, avoid trifling conversation.”

You are the teacher this time, Aquarius, and by your actions, Mankind is your student.  I hope they all get an “A”.
Pisces (Feb.21-Mar. 20)  http://oubliette.alpha-geek.com/images/ninjabeg.jpg

“Ninjas killed my family.  Need money for Kung-fu Lessons.”

The Truth, Pisces, will set you free.  And might even get you a beer.

*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate–the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, “What’s your sign?” so you can quit telling them “Motel 666”.

Biblioscopes: Che Tells Your Guerrilla Future 10/3-10/9

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.

This week’s featured book is Che Guevara on Guerilla Warfare, because it is the most interesting thing I could find in my office.

Aries

Even with high-explosive and napalm bombs, aircraft do not present a serious threat, because guerrillas will be small, scattered targets dug in close to the enemy.

If you are on the oh-fense, as they say in hockey, you will have to be extremely detail-oriented, which can be a trial for you. I say carpet-bomb whatever enemy you may have–with flowers and chocolates and teddy bears and thank-you notes. Confuse your enemy by hugging the living crap right out of them.

If you are on the Deee-fense (Deee-lite!), then escape your enemy (your boss) by attracting as little attention to yourself as possible.

Taurus

As for war material, neither Mao nor Guevara received ay substantial quantity from the outside.

It will be a thin week for you, but somehow, you will get by. Don’t bother taking out that loan or using credit if you can help it.

Gemini

In liberated areas, the rural population may work the fields for the guerilla forces and guarantee them adequate, permanent sources of supplies.

Good friends on your side! Be sure to thank them, and work right next to them in the fields, you Commie!

Cancer

An unexpected lightning blow is what counts.

What it said. Keep your mouth shut about your plans. Do not tell a soul, or it will never happen. I used to go to a bar like this. Any plans I mentioned in the bar would never happen. If I didn’t say anything in there though, everything would work out fine. Loose lips sink….

Leo

In this type of war, the work of those not directly engaged in fighting is of major importance. Communications have already been cited.

Some weeks you must march forward, and keep the great fight in mind (or the cheese at the end of the rat race). This is not one of those weeks. This week, you must make sure all your back-up systems are go: do your filing, call your friends, clip your nails (nothing more annoying while fighting the fight is a broken nail).

Virgo

Rather, this foreward is a plea to recognize clearly how Communist revolutionary guerilla warfare delivered Cuba, and what it portends beyond.

Listen up!Someone is desperately trying to express something very important and emotional to you. Unfortunately, they will come off to you as dry and boring, and it would be easy for you to tune them out–but don’t do it!

Libra

Of course, there have been extraordinary fighters even among children.

You COULD call upon inappropriate people to do inappropriate things this week: YOU COULD hit on your boss; YOU COULD ask your girlfriend what she thinks about another woman’s breasts; YOU COULD ask your kids to call in sick or fight for you; AND YOU COULD ask your parents for dope. And they could handle it. But do you want to live with the longterm consequences?

Scorpio

Technical skills will include communications, the handling of diverse weapons and demolitions and medical self-aid.

You go, MacGuyver.

Sagittarius.

The importance of suburban fighting has not been fully appreciated. When done effectively and extended over a wide area, it completely paralyzes everyday life of the sector.

The suburban sector is already paralyzed with bourgeois “needs,” debt, and fat bottoms, sorry to say. Try to clear away some of that this week. Is there anything you could give to someone more needy? Is there something you can do to fight the wasteful suburban system? Do it!

Capricorn

It is not the Russians, but the Chinese Communists and their friends in Cuba who are best prepared to foment and exploit revolutionary guerrilla warfare in their impatience to rule the world.

Those rebel guerrillas! Always out to foil your plans! Maybe the little guy really isn’t out to take over the world. Maybe he just wants to make life a bit better for himself. Take that into account, and you’ll make some new friends.

Aquarius

The enemy was surprised, had no time to return fire, and could not flee.

Check mate! Your lightning-quick genius does it again.

Pisces

If its job is to cut telephone poles, electric cableways, sewerage lines, water conduits, or railways, it will confine itself to do just these things, and do them to perfection.

Did you know that Neptune, your ruler, also rules prisons? Not sewage lines though. Or railways. But the gods say you have to color inside the lines this week, and not deviate, get all pro-active and go on weird adventures. Unless, of course, that is what you do. Which, being Pisces, that is what you do, um, do. Just do your best like your mom always said and don’t break any rules like your dad always said.

Biblioscope: Your Future is Flat Crazy from 9/19-9/25 2006

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.

This week’s featured book is “Flat Crazy:A Blanco County Mystery” by Ben Rehder, one of the funnies books I have ever read, situation-wise. Includes the set of a Chinese midget porn movie.

Aries

Cherie said, “Because they weren’t just hunting deer out there, I can tell you that much.”

Nope, they were hunting the chupacabra, and other endangered species–someone may be talking behind your back about your own foolish and careless behavior.

Taurus

The two pea brains would probably have a lot to talk about.

Hey–don’t look down on small, green brains that talk. Try not to look down on any cliques or friendship right now. It’s not nice, and if they rise against you, you may find yourself hip deep in pea soup, or some other mess.

Gemini

Marlin was impressed by how quickly Tatum’s team had responded to his radio call.

Ask for help, and someone will show. So, start askin’!

Cancer

“…You might have heard his name in the news. We found his body two days ago. He was murdered.”

Big news ends up being closer to home than you would expect…or want.

Leo

Every last shred of paper, every photograph, under every stick of furniture…

If you clean your house–really clean it, under the couch and everything. You will find stuff. Maybe great stuff, like quarters or twenties, or may be incriminating stuff, like…

Virgo

He yanked the starter cord and–in the instant right before the generator roared to life–there was a scream from the woods.

You will be interrupted at the start of some project or another. Don’t roll your eyes. It may be important, like a plane in the World Trade Center, a murder, or burning dinner or something.

Libra

Tatum pumped his fist in the air. The team’s determination had finally paid off.

You win or finish or succeed at…something. Woot for you!

Scorpio

“Yeah, that or the damn case of beer,” Red said. “You picked a real winner for us this time, Billy Don. You ever try to run a jackhammer after drinking all night?”

Unfortunately, I have never had that experience. If you can think ahead, you may avoid adventures like hungover jackhammering, poison-ivied thistle-picking, or poor restaurant choosing.

Sagittarius.

Fortunately, Susannah Branson hadn’t taken the chupacabra angle too seriously.

You know your chupacabras when you see them. You will skate by on thin ice this week–by accident.

Capricorn

“I guess we’ll film around it.”

“You guess?”

“No, I mean we will. We will film around it. I’ll even write it into the script.”

You will have to creatively rewrite history to keep your superiors happy this week. But you can do it! If you don’t feel that creative, enlist a sweet-talking friend to help out.

Aquarius

“God yes,” Marty replied. “All over the place. Why?”

God is all over the place for you this week, and even Marty knows. Give your thanks to the Deus ex Machina who saves your ass.

Pisces

Terry snapped the compartment shut, but it was too late.

The cop had backed away a step or two, and now he had his hand on his pistol. “Step out of the car, Mr. Hobbs. Right now.”

If you have a run-in with a cop–I mean, an authority figure–make no sudden moves–I mean, your body language is the first thing he’ll respond to–so don’t make a move to hide the booze–I mean, try not to act guilty. The bottle of booze could’ve been half empty before you even got in the car.

Biblioscopes: Advice for All Sun Signs 05 Sept through 12 Sept 2006

Biblioscopes:  Advice for All Sun Signs 05 Sept through 12 Sept 2006 has been HIJACKED this week by Guest Scoper, Cirese Summerrose.

You always knew she was scoping you out, didn’tcha?

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday, Suki asks the Universe to lead her hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.  But seeing as how today is Tuesday and all, I’m asking the Universe to just make me quit reading ahead.
This week’s featured book is “things to do now that you’re…40” by Rebecca Hall, and yes, they didn’t use CAPS IN THE TITLE.  I found it in my roommate’s bookladder.  This book is all about how to actually …”When I am old I shall wear purple”.  For crying out loud.  WEAR IT NOW.  With little tinkly bells and sequins and pesto sauce if you want…

Aries (March 21 – April 20)
”Figure out how to negotiate multiple-choice pre-recorded telephone messages to get a human being on the end of the line.”  This is deeeep, man.  It is one of those hidden messages from the Universe, probably pre-recorded.  1.  Spend more time AWAY from electronic devices such as your computer, Poindexter, and with other carbon-based life forms you value.  2.  You must finally finally master the art of Patience in your life in some way; involving the amazing task of waiting for a human being.  This most likely involves Makeup and the infamous words “TEN MORE MINUTES”.  You can do it, Grasshoppa.

Taurus (April 21- May 20)
”Nurture your imagination and never fail to appreciate it.”  When you read this, Taurus, look around you and let your eyes light upon the FIRST THING YOU SEE NON-COMPUTER RELATED.  Think of how it can be used in an entirely new way.  Can you wear it to work?  Better yet, can you give it to your older/younger/more vile sibling at the next holiday inappropriately gift-wrapped and CLAIM it’s something else?  STRETCH your mind and surprise not only yourself but others.  This is how you get out of ruts and make yourself brand new ones.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
”Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.”  First, go out and buy some new shoes.  That always makes you feel better.  Second, you are going to have to do someone else’s work this week and believe me, you are going to get to know them better than you ever wanted to.  Third, Odour-Eaters in their In-Box or Cat-Box make a lovely Welcome Back gift.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
”Mix your own cement and build a stone wall.”  First, you are going to have GUESTS!  Make sure you get out every single annoying CD you or your kids own and just leave them around and hide the others somewhere safe like in the toilet tank in waterproof containers.  Play them at odd hours like ALWAYS.  Second, you’ve never been too good at Boundaries; have you my water sign friend?  You are just gonna have to get tough this week and wear LEATHER as a reminder to yourself.  Oh for crying out loud, yes it WAS a cow once…

Leo (July 21-Aug. 20)
”Confront a bully and make the person feel small.”  This implies that there will be a conflict.  Prepare for War.  I suggest water balloons and if those are simply inappropriate, other good ways to make people feel small are large vocabularies, Texas Hair, high heels, shoe lifts, putting on airs or just going around the room in circles gently touching and counting the light switches while they ramble on about whatever it is.  Basically, what it comes down to here is PROBLEM OWNERSHIP.  Who actually has the problem?

Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)
”Find a sport you enjoy and get proficient at it.”  First, being a bully is NOT a sport so forget about annoying the Leo.  Second, I realize that most people do not consider Competitive Philately in the ranking of the sweat inducing ranking of Curling, say, but it can be gruelling work!  Throw yourself into something that gives you Joy—something that gives you choices at pleasure away from the secular world and most of all, leaves you something in the end to be proud of.

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)
”Re-evaluate your relationships”.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Just please whine into the pillow and the rest of us will bang on the wall if you make too much noise.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)
”Go back to nature”.  This is a great time to take a holiday somewhere natural, like nowhere left on earth.  This only leaves seeing the hypnotherapist which pretty much EQUALS the price of a holiday in Cyprus, so I say why not go there or better yet, just act natural.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20)
”Make a friend from each of the five continents.”  This is fantastic advice and I have one more to add:  Make a friend who is Incontinent.  You might be surprised at how much those who are bladderal thinkers have to offer us.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)
“Visit a prehistoric site and try to imagine what early man was thinking when he built it.”  Go back to your first home or go over your photo album.  Instead of recalling YOUR memories of the past try and think about things from the angles of everyone in those pictures.  It’s an amazing adventure and it’s a gift that will follow you through to your everyday life.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)
”Find the landscape that speaks to your soul, whether it be mountain or ocean, desert or forest.”  You soooooo need a break.  The idea of this word, “break”, is that if you DON’T GET IT, you are going to do it:  BREAK.  Right then, take off.  If you cannot physically get the hell away, lock yourself in the toilet, turn on the taps, scream for half an hour, then SERIOUSLY turn on some “realistic” sound effects from one of the above places and go within to get some answers for without.

Pisces (Feb.21-Mar. 20)
”Plan something unusual for your next birthday party.  Can you have it in a haunted castle or on a yacht?”  First, you need some attention right about now.  To hell with “birthday”.  Go to www.holidays.net .  You could have a “Compliment your Mirror” party this week!  What fun!  Second, you have lots of time to prepare for an official birthday party and if you want to have it on a haunted yacht, the Queen Mary is still beached in California.  Good luck with that.

*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate–the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, “What’s your sign?”

Note:  If you were at all annoyed or disappointed by this week’s Biblioscope, please send any complaints to a Gemini with Cancer Rising.  By my calculations, this ought to send you to someone with a nice pair of cement shoes…  ~Cirese

Biblioscopes: Advice for All Sun Signs June 24 thru 30

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.

This week’s featured book is “Benjamin Franklin” by Edwin S. Gaustad. Maybe it doesn’t sound sexy, but smart men make me horny!

Aries (March 21 – April 20

Tranquility: Be not disturbed by Trifles, or at Accidents common or unavoidable.

’Nuff said. Find some tranquility this week. That’s how.

Taurus (April 21- May 2)

Late that night, many citizens, some disguised as Indians, boarded three ships and threw their entire cargoes of tea into salty waters

Have you been holding in your anger again, Taurus? Not surprising. You may want to try words before actions. The actions may end up picking a fight that is not necessary.

Gemini (May 21-June 20 )

A newspaper “extra” on May 6, 1755, announced Franklin’s arrival in Philadelphia the day before. “Dr. Franklin,” the paper reported, “is highly pleased to find us arming and preparing for the worst events”

You know something bad is going to happen. You may seem inappropriately happy about it. Keep it to yourself.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

In 1767 Franklin wrote a short piece in Paris that he entitled “Of Lightning, and the Method (Now Used in America) of Securing Buildings and Persons From It’s Mischievous Effects.”

What other people call “mischievous” you call “dangerous.” Lightning may strike for others at any time. Be there with your knowledge of how to secure people from its effects.

Leo (July 21- Aug. 20)

Blank

I knew someone would get a blank page someday. I got it for you three times before giving up. When one faces the unknowable, one faces god. Remain pure of intent, and all will be well.

Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)

Wedderburn concluded in a burst of oratory: “I hope, my lords, you will mark and brand this man, for the honour of this country, of Europe, and of mankind.”Oooooh, Virgo, you’re te-ellinnn’…and you will do it in such a way to get this person in big truh-bull. Is it the right thing to do? Do you need this person to watch your back in the future?

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)

I was never prouder of any dress in my life.’

Lookin’ good, Libra. Use that to your advantage.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)

So now all the unofficial language became official, and on September 3, 1783, the Treaty of Paris was signed.

All that hot air that’s been blowin’ around you will turn into some solid policy this week, whether you like it or not. Be sure to add your input before the worst of it comes into play.

(Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20 )

When the royal troops arrived, they found no soldiers standing on the green.

What looks easy actually is not. The soldiers will actually be shooting from behind fences and other cover. Be cautious.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)

Printing remained Franklin’s principal occupation and the source of his steadily growing income.

You will have to continually talk things up in order to keep them going. They will not have a momentum of their own. On the other hand, talking will work. Stay positive.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)

Benjamin’s choice of the name Silence Dogood was probably influenced by the 1710 publication of Essays to Do Good by … Cotton MatherSomeone wiser than yourself is giving you the hint to keep quiet. Do so.

Pisces (Feb.21-March 20)

Nor did the Iroquois prove any more helpful in combating the French than the colonists, as they preferred in the early stages of the war to stay strictly neutral.

Staying out of it will only make things worse. I know it can be hard to be confrontational, but you would be wise to take sides early in your situation.

*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate–the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, “What’s your sign?

Biblioscopes: Advice for All Sun Signs June 17 thru 23

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.
This week’s featured book is “My Year in Iraq: The Struggle to Build a Future of Hope” by Ambassador L. Paul Bremer III with Malcolm McConnell. Nothing is sacred. And yet, everything is sacred.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

But he understands, and I know Sanchez does, too, that if we could somehow get the Turks in, it would actually worsen security.

Do not ask for help on your projects–your “help” may make things worse.

Taurus (April 21- May 20)

“Baghdad time” gripped our lives. Few of us got more than three or four hours of sleep a night–what with the mortar and rocket attacks and phones ringing at 3:00am when some bureaucrat inside the Beltway forgot about the time difference.

You need some serious “Me Time.” Turn off your cell phone, and go have fun somewhere where no one will find you–even to shoot rockets at you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

“It’s like Einsatzgruppen during the Holocaust,” I said.
“Yes, sir,” the young Marine said uncertainly.

Yeah, there go those elders, knowing more than you, Marine. Listen to them, nod politely, and then start googling to figure out what the heck they are talking about–and so that you can pull historical references on bewildered others later.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

Nonetheless,”We can take a measure of satisfaction that we acted responsibly as temporary custodians of Iraq’s sovereignty this past year.”

Are you congratulating yourself? It’s good to do every once in a while for a minute or so. Now, go fix up the messes you created in making this grand thing. If it seems daunting, start with something small.

Leo (July 21-Aug. 20)

The gun battles in the two holy cities continued for several days as we tried to devise a Coalition plan to deal with Muqtada.

Whatever you are planning, do it now. Now, now, now, before circumstances change…

Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)

I knew and liked Frank, who by one of those coincidences of life had been the head of Henry Kissinger’s security detail when I was managing director of Kissinger Associates in the 1990s. Frank had been a special operator in the Marines. I trusted him totally.

When you get old enough, people start turning up over and over again. Karma? Synchronicity? Look out for karmic ties this week.

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)

“The enemy believes American leadership is more focused on an exit strategy than with prosecuting the war.”

I know you don’t like all of your circumstances right now, but focus on your own life as it is now, rather than the way you want it to be, and work with what you’ve got. The only way out is through.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)

A vague answer. Obviously, Jaafari still hoped for the prime minister job.

Either you or someone you know is too obviously climbing the ladder. Not nice.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20)

Mohammad Bahr al-Uloum, the feisty elderly Shia imam, said, with a note of despair,that the security problems had “drained the energy out of the Governing Council.”

For the past few weeks you’ve had to deal with the consequences of your actions. Bone tired yet? I should think so. Take some time out of your busy schedule to recharge. You will be surprised at how much a mental vacation (such as reading a book or taking a day trip) can refresh you and add insights to your situation.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)

But at the second objective there were signs of recent occupation–bread and canned goods on the table in the hut, a stack of new t-shirts. It looked like somebody had been living there. Here’s a picture. And there was a beat-up orange taxi parked next to a sheep pen outside the compound walls.

For helps in reaching your objective, you need only look at the environment around you. Something will be as out of place as an orange taxi next to a sheep pen.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)

“I want my Marines to go anywhere, anytime in our AO. I intend to demonstrate that ability as soon as we’re set up.”

Are you going to demonstrate how free you really are again, Aquarius? Go for it. This should be entertaining.

Pisces (Feb.21-March 20)

We summarized the ultimate goal that we envisioned for Iraq as “a durable peace for a unified, stable Iraq,” with a vibrant economy and a representativew government which underpinned and protected freedoms.
“A helluva high bar,” Clay noted.

Yeah, most countries in the world don’t have that. If you have goals that big for yourself or your project, know that it will take many years, and reward yourself for the small victories. Think smaller, Pisces. Maybe get a Virgo friend to help you. They are good with details.
*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate–the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, “What’s your sign?”

Biblioscopes: Advice for All Sun Signs June 3 thru 9

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.
This week’s featured book is If I Knew Then…by Amy Fisher. Remember Amy Fischer, the “Long Island Lolita” who shot her boyfriend’s wife in the head? This is her self-published masterpiece.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

And guards would actually go tell their friends, “I had sex with Amy Fischer.” Even guards who never touched me would brag about having sex with me.
Do not name drop for any reason this week, and be distrustful of the name-dropping cads around you. Watch and wait to find the truth.

Taurus (April 21- May 20)

I believed that, since I was vowing to be a great, perfect person, all my problems would disappear.
But now you know better, right? You know that being ethical often creates problems–but let’s face it–your problems are better than the lying, cheating, stealing gun=toting polygamist’s.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

We all come to a moment in life when one action is pivotal, when one decision becomes a catalyst that takes away years of future decisions.
Yes, we all do. Some decisions include joining the military, getting married, or whether or not to use condoms. But before you take action with weaponry, an illegal or ill=thought out plan, or anything involving “easy love” or “easy money”, seek counseling. Write a letter to Dear Abby or Dan Savage.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

There were people in prison with me who knew what the officers were doing, and they would save portions of their meals to give me some decent food.
You will find kindness in others this week, so take off some of that armor and accept it, graciously. Then turn around and help someone else.

Leo (July 21-Aug. 20)

“You’re going to have to grin and bear it another two years till the parole board meets.” I had no choice.
Do they grin in prison? Your project will be on hold, after being on hold. Write a book and self-publish it. By the time you’re done, you will be able to go back to whatever you were so hot on in the first place.

Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)

I was a nice upper-class suburban girl who was seduced by these images, and look where it–along with other factors–took me.
Do me a favor, and don’t blame your life on television. You would do yourself a favor this week by not blaming anything on anyone, and cleaning any messes you’ve made on your own, one shovel of shit at a time./p>

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)

Sometimes I think my luck can’t get any worse, but then something good will happen which makes me think of life as one big roller coaster.
Run over by the wheel of fortune? If you stick to the tire, you’ll go around and be on top again this week.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)

I was told I am her idol. She says she wants to be like me when she grows up, and I think, “That poor kid, she doesn’t know.”
This happens to all adults, because children don’t see our lives as full. Be strong and keep your life to yourself to be as good as others see you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20)

I didn’t even understand I could go to jail. I just didn’t want to get punished and have my privileges taken away. Is that unbelievable? I was thinking, “They’re going to take away my car and ground me.”
Consequences happen to everyone: black kids in the Bronx, white girls in the suburbs, granny bankrobbers in Weehawken. Make careful decisions. you are not immune.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)

At least I was lucky that the women weren’t raping me in prison, because that happened to a lot of other people.
I’m glad they didn’t, but if they had, Ms. Amy would’ve sold a lot more books. Count your small blessings this week, Capricorn, but consider fibbing if it will add to your bankroll.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)

To transfer me from Nassau County Jail to Bedford Hills Correctional Facility, the first thing they did was handcuff me and attach a chain to the handcuffs and wrap it three times around my waist.
Overkill of bureaucratic constraints: you’ll find yourself hogtied with red tape. Unfortunately, it’s the way they do things these days.

Pisces (Feb.21-Mar. 20)

All these experiences were answers to the question I would be asking myself in prison: Why?
The answers to your deepest questions are all around you. Open your eyes and ears with the intent to truly see.
Notes: This was really hard, just because it’s hard not to make fun of poor Amy.

*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate–the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, “What’s your sign?”

Biblioscopes: Advice for All Sun Signs May 27 to June 3rd

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.
This week’s featured book is:“The Bitten” by L.A. Banks

I love books about female vampires. They are my favorite porn. Except for Anne Rice who ruins the porn by adding kiddie vamps to it. Yick.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

She backed up to the sink, baiting him with her eyes. “Turn on the tap,” she ordered. Her voice was low and husky. Lethal.
He nodded and it ran blood.

Do as you are told this week. It will get you what you really want right away.

Taurus (April 21- May 20)

To that end, bring positive energy into your consciousness and may it also provide you with comfort, abundance, inspiration, and renewed purpose.
So, like, meditate, do your affirmations, read Shakti Gawain’s book on visualization. Be, like, positive, ‘k? Yeah, I know it sounds all California New Agey, but it really does work.

Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

He opened his eyes and stared at the group. “I know everything that has hapened in every language on the four continents she gave me, plus the one I had at throne level… back to the time before kings…”This week, you will just know something important. You may not know how you know. In case of an emergency, use it right away, but afterward you should try and find the source of this knowledge to give it due credit.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

This could get ugly. Carlos studied the group’s reaction and hoped Damali had enough sense not to just blurt out the truth.
You can handle the truth, but can those around you? Is telling the truth the most responsible thing to do, or are you just trying to make yourself feel better? Think before you speak.

Leo (July 21-Aug. 20)

“Sexy, he muttered. “At all times.”
“I know. You told me. Remember?”
While that was true, it still took him aback when she nodded and smiled and changed her clothes without his help.No one will be able to show you their strengths if you keep babying them. I know it makes you feel better, but quit it.

Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)

The clerics were frantic as they worked against the inevitable. They couldn’t get it all, sacred blood would surely hit the earth.And create a really messy, apocalyptic smudge. I know you hate smudges, Virgo, but sometimes they are just going to happen. Try not to make everyone’s life a living hell by trying to prevent the inevitable.

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)

The hunger was gone, but the ache in his soul would never be healed.This describes my addiction to chocolate completely. It describes a lot of addictions completely, so maybe instead of feeding the hunger, you ought to think of its cause– stress, anxiety, love of hypodermic needles?–and think about what would really make you happy.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)

No matter how many times he had witnessed the miraculous, so-called coincidences of the universe, it still always amazed her how tightly woven the threads were within the grand design./p>
The coincidences in your life are actually markers of your true destiny. Take some time to list and explore this week, and look out for new ones.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20)

There was no one to blame but himself. No matter what else was going on, no matter what supernatural forces had been tampered wih, Damali would’t have turned if she hadn’t been bitten.Hate to tell you. It’s consequences week. Accept blame. Move on.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)

But the sight of how the water played over her shoulder blades, the definition of her spine flexing drew his fingers to each vertebrae, lingering to kiss them with his touch, making him take one step back to admire the form of her wet ass.
His hands slid over the high, glistening cheeks with the water, and he entered her, hard from the rear.You finally get the beautiful opportunity to screw someone over! But remember, 60% of accidents at home occur in the bathroom.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)

Still, the worst part of it was, his woman could be among the undead–the one person on the planet that he never ever wanted to see that way.

Don’t be sad. People change. Maybe it’s fun being undead. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em…

Pisces (Feb.21-Mar. 20)

“Yes, baby,” she said, winking at him and slinking into her bedroom, blowing kissing over her shoulder. “I know I’ve been a very bad girl.”Oh, you coy Pisceans. What are we going to do with you. You better know what you’re asking for when you flirt like that.

*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate–the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, “What’s your sign?”

Biblioscopes Advice for All Sun Signs 5/20-26

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.
This week’s featured book is “The System:How to Get Laid TODAY” by Roy Valentine. To connoisseurs of “how to pick up gals” books, this is not the Bible but the DaVinci Code written flat out in 12pt. type on 4×7 paper, with softcore illos.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)
The more you try, the more you’re convinced yov’ve just wasted your night with that “bitch.” I hate to say it, but it’s your own fault.
He’s right. It is your own fault. Putting your own wants before the needs of others will only lead to anger and failure.
Taurus (April 21- May 20)
If still nothing, then I move on. If I do get a hit, though, it’s time to play the game.
A certain part of life is luck. Another part, a numbers game. Opportunity will knock twice, but do you really want to wait?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
She’s too hot. She could never want me.
As the sun goes into your sign, Gemini, it is reminding you that you are good enough, smart enough, and darnit, people like you!

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Control your mind and realize that girls love sex as much as men. That doesn’t make her a whore–it makes her human.
Your prejudice of others is controlling your fate. Try, as best you can, to open your mind. If there are contentions between you and someone who is different from you right now, you may want to read an autobiography written by someone else of that background or gender to understand them better.

Leo (July 21-Aug. 20)
My cock isn’t big enough.
The secret is out, Leo! Actually, when I see you fluff your mane for the hundredth time, I know that is what you are really feeling. But it’s not true. Okay, well it may be true. But a lion with a small penis is still a lion. No need to overdo it.

Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)
You will start noticing girls who are hot for you based on eye contact and you will pass them up.
Discrimination is the better part of valor, but the question is, is it the better part of fun? Make sure you have some fun this week.

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)
Well, this is so simple that when I first tell it to guys they refuse to believe me until they try it.
When you explain the obvious this week, make sure you have your PowerPoint ready, or you will look dumb or end up frustrated or both.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)
In fact, in most cases I know that I’ll be able to take home the girl and have sex with her even before I speak to her.
The only reason the above statement is true is that the girl has already made her decision first, either consciously or unconsciously. You will make an important, unspoken connection this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20)
You may have danced with a girl in the past and closed the deal, but dancing wih countless others brought no success.
Being goal-oriented this week will only suck the joy out of the moment. Forget the future, and notice the good times you are having now.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)
They have the ability, at will, to mentally condition themselves for success; identify an opportunity for the perfect shot; and they have the skill required to execute the perfect shot.
These are called professionals. Take one step forward this week by learning a little more about one of the above.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)
Often when you meet a girl on the street, in the supermarket, at the department store, etc., she lives only a few blocks away and was probably on her way home anyway.
You will find opportunity for the extraordinary in the ordinary, if you are helpful, friendly, and keep your eyes open.

Pisces (Feb.21-Mar. 20)
The problem is, many women feel cheap if you say something like, ‘Hey, let’s go back to my place and have sex.”
In Japan, women speak an entirely different dialect than men. It’s true in English, too, only not so overt. Pisces women: if a man doesn’t understand you, just take all the sensitivity out, and poetry out, and say what needs to be said, in sentences of four words or less. Pisces men, if a woman is upset with you, or doesn’t understand you, get your ass to Hallmark, and buy a card.

Notes: A complete review of “The System” can be found on my love and sex blog, http://love-suki.blogspot.com.

*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate–the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, “What’s your sign?”

Biblioscopes: Advice for All Sun Signs May 6-12

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week’s worth of good advice for each sun sign.
This week’s featured book is “How to Succeed with Men” by David Copeland and Ron Louis, in which we learn that men consider commitment a sort of business deal in which they trade the improbable possibility of having sex with every hot woman in the world for ho-o-o-o-o-ome coookin’.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
The groups which seemed barren of potential men she visited less often, or not at all.
I think she’s being a bit ruthless. Maybe you are too. Spend some time with people who can’t help you. Maybe you can help them.

Taurus (April 21- May 20)
Just get talking, give him wins, and don’t disqualify him too quickly (more on that in a bit), and you’ll have the first step of the flirting interaction underway.
To get what you want, you will have to smile through some awkward stupidity. It’s only temporary.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
We want you to use that sense of innocence, fun, creative expression, spontaneity, freedom, and wonder while you’re dating.
Explore each of those senses all week, dating or not. You can have fun when you’re not playing the field, Gemini. I know you don’t believe it, but it’s true.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Does he accept bad service and abuse readily?
Do you? You deserve better. Start asking for better. You’ll be surprised at how fast it comes.

Leo (July 21-Aug. 20)
Helping you,if you appear grateful for it, is an immediate win for a man.
Asking for help with your project will not make you seem as needy as you think. It may give someone the chance to befriend you.

Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)
If you call him, it is permissible to leave a message two times.
Nagging never works, but be especially low-key about your needs this week.

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)
These little actions add up. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and habits don’t change in an instant, so you can stop worrying that they ought to.
Be patient with yourself. Even small changes in behavior take lots of mindfulness and strength of will. You may want to try self-hypnosis, affirmations, etc.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)
Karen began to model herself after a character in a novel as a way to break out of her habitual patterns and fear.
And dressing up is fun, too! It was cape day in Iceland not too long ago. So dig out one of your trek shirts, or something gothic, whatever, for a day–or for your lover, for a night!

Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20)
Most of the time, you handle a bomb by sending in some sort of robot just blow it up. No problem if you are not nearby. Repeat: no problem if you are not nearby. Keep your emotional and/or physical distance from hot-button issues, red flags, bombs, and Osama.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)
The first thing we want you to do is to get over the idea that your relationship conversation has to be a big, heavy, scary operation.
Let’s talk about us, shall we? How is our relationship going? If you’re reading what I’m typing, I think we’re getting along. If you need to bring up any heavy topic this week, try to give it some humor, try not to take it seriously. And put yourself in the other person’s shoes and frame the dialog on how it is advantageous to them, as in: “Bob, this demotion will be great for you! Now you really will have time to blog at work!”

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)
Are you excited? Does the idea of having tons of dates and being desired by many eligible bachelors seem wonderful to you?
Aquarius loves to be loved, and makes everyone work hard to do it. This is your week to shine though. Congratulations!

Pisces (Feb.21-Mar. 20)
Also, if the drive is stressful, any talk you have will be stressful, too. Only bring up your relationship in the car if the drive itself is easy, beautiful, and fun.
I have a better tip for you. Don’t bring up your relationship in the car. Go parking and have sex in the car. Your relationship will take care of itself.

Notes: “How to Succeed with Men” is actually a good book for women getting back into the singles scene and would like to find a steady boyfriend. This is not a book about getting married. (This is written by men–they wouldn’t betray their kind so easily!)
As a Nympho, I only use the Ruthless Nympho method (which only work for chics who love sex, but hey, I’m just me here!).

*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate–the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, “What’s your sign?”